I’ve been having them for quite some time now. About a week actually. I realize now what people mean when they say they’re afraid to go to sleep, The dreams are usually different but they always have this character in common: a quiet, pale girl with long hair, dressed in white. I think it’s my brain supplying the conventional idea of what scary ghost ladies are supposed to be, hence the cliche. But she’s always there.
Another commonality is that in these dreams, I usually end up dodging a bullet. I’m always alive by the end of them but only because of dumb luck, a warning, or some form of sixth sense. And for some reason, that scares me more.
And truth be told, the usual plot of these dreams, in retrospect, are ludicrous. But the way of dreams entails that you become a main character in the story and to me they seemed very very real, and laughable or not, the fact that I could be dead signals my brain to take the situation seriously.
For example, in my last dream, I was scheduled to go have a haircut with my older brother at a salon. I forget how, but I realized at one point that going to this salon would be dangerous, so I decide to take a haircut somewhere else or at a different schedule. And then I get a phone call from my brother, whom I haven’t told of my change in plans yet, who tells me urgently that it has to be the salon he reserved at the time he scheduled. I know then that he means to harm me or have someone harm me. I tell him I’m on my way without really meaning it. I care a tiny bit what happens to him as a consequence of my not showing up, but not enough to sacrifice myself. I think it’s when he called and insisted on me going that scared me the most. I don’t know why, but at the time, it did. At one point, my dream changed to a third-person perspective and revealed that I would have died ala Sweeney Todd if I had gone.
But I was there, and it felt real.
The worst part is waking up. My emotions are at an extreme after having just woken up. I attribute it to leftover emotions from dreaming, even when I don’t remember what I’d just dreamt. If I experience any extreme waking emotion it’s usually sadness (usually related to something I’ve just read, watched, or played), but the recent one has been fear.
My reading light’s been busted for a few months now (I haven’t gotten around to fixing the housing for the bulb :|), so there’s no instant light for me to take comfort in after waking up from a bad dream (I usually wake at around 4 in the morning when I have nightmares). I’m left in the dark with an uncomfortable imagination. I clutch any stuffed animal I can. I rely on my phone and ipod, too.
But, lately the cellphone and ipod combo hasn’t been working, not since last Thursday. They’d work at the time of usage, but when I think it’s enough then curl back to sleep, the fear come back. It’s worse when I wake up with sleep paralysis. An effect of sleep paralysis is hallucinating that someone is in the room with you, and I get plenty of that. I always imagine the ghost girl I dream of, and that feeling of not being able to move, even when you want to move is terrible.
Now I don’t want to attribute anything to superstition or some weird explanation that I might be getting a message or something. I just needed to let out something that’s been bothering me for more than a week now.