Randomosity and Epicology

Need to Write it Down

Must haves for future apartment/condo, aside from the essentials:

  • Dog (!)
  • Digital Piano
  • Playstation (Or any gaming console. I’m flexible)
  • Desktop Station
  • LARGE bed
  • Bookshelves and more bookshelves
  • AC

Just writing it down to know what kind of salary I have to have to live the lifestyle I want :)


Protected: So Confused…

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and I hope and hope it doesn’t happen but i am just denying myself peace by holding on to small and selfish wishes. 

i am denying myself peace by thinking that what i am afraid of happening (if it has not happened yet) won’t, because, really, when you look at it, it will. inevitability at its dirtiest. i cannot count the number of times i’ve thought maybe i can have it. maybe this can be more only to have the illusion crushed. the universe at its finest. 

so what do i do? i deny myself the illusion. it’s not the best route, but it’s better than going on the one where you think you’ll be going to paradise island only to end up on a collision course. at least if i’m driving off a cliff, i’ll be aware of it.

so there. i lost. congrats to you.


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This is why I enjoy being part of deliberations. We were critiquing a digital photography piece and I was surprised to note how much insight I had on it. By discussing the piece, I was able to gauge how much my eye for detail has evolved since I received my first  camera. And it has also allowed me to concretize  a perspective I’ve unknowingly held:

Photography is all about finding the moment, or conveying one. It is not about lighting or coloring or angling as these are only to help translate the ‘moment’ onto a tangible medium. With that being said, however, the difference between a good photo and a brilliant photo will always lie in the small details. A photographer who leaves an impression will always have a point to every space used in his or her work. The way the head is tilted, the angle of the light, the slight curve of the back; these are all vital ingredients to a photograph that will be remembered. 

Immortality, Please.

See, here’s the thing. The universe is an exciting place rife with possibilities. We discover new things about it everyday, and we discover awesome new things about it every few months or years or so and the same goes with technology. And we’re just going to keep learning and innovating until the human capacity reaches its limits (i.e, when mankind becomes extinct). Who knows where we’ll be and what we’ll know and what we’ll have hundreds of years from now? 

I have answer for you:

Not me.

Why? Because I have this tiny problem called dying. See, I’m not into the whole immortality hoozah for fear of death, or eternal youth, what have you. It’s just that I’m really really excited about the growth of mankind and knowledge and I find it incredibly unfair that I won’t be witness to any of it. So yes. I would like to be immortal.

I acknowledge I will have to live with the loss of loved ones, and the loneliness immortality entails (unless I get an immortality buddy, which would be cool beans). And I acknowledge that that will probably hurt me and make me miserable for centuries, but thinking about piloting alien-fighting mech trumps all that, so boo hoo. 

Ugh. Where’s a vampire when you need one?

Nightmares (TLDR)

I’ve been having them for quite some time now. About a week actually. I realize now what people mean when they say they’re afraid to go to sleep, The dreams are usually different but they always have this character in common: a quiet, pale girl with long hair, dressed in white. I think it’s my brain supplying the conventional idea of what scary ghost ladies are supposed to be, hence the cliche. But she’s always there. 

Another commonality is that in these dreams, I usually end up dodging a bullet. I’m always alive by the end of them but only because of dumb luck, a warning, or some form of sixth sense. And for some reason, that scares me more.

And truth be told, the usual plot of these dreams, in retrospect, are ludicrous. But the way of dreams entails that you become a main character in the story and to me they seemed very very real, and laughable or not, the fact that I could be dead signals my brain to take the situation seriously. 

For example, in my last dream, I was scheduled to go have a haircut with my older brother at a salon. I forget how, but I realized at one point that going to this salon would be dangerous, so I decide to take a haircut somewhere else or at a different schedule. And then I get a phone call from my brother, whom I haven’t told of my change in plans yet, who tells me urgently that it has to be the salon he reserved at the time he scheduled. I know then that he means to harm me or have someone harm me. I tell him I’m on my way without really meaning it. I care a tiny bit what happens to him as a consequence of my not showing up, but not enough to sacrifice myself. I think it’s when he called and insisted on me going that scared me the most. I don’t know why, but at the time, it did. At one point, my dream changed to a third-person perspective and revealed that I would have died ala Sweeney Todd if I had gone. 

Ridiculous, right? 

But I was there, and it felt real. 

The worst part is waking up. My emotions are at an extreme after having just woken up. I attribute it to leftover emotions from dreaming, even when I don’t remember what I’d just dreamt. If I experience any extreme waking emotion it’s usually sadness (usually related to something I’ve just read, watched, or played), but the recent one has been fear. 

My reading light’s been busted for a few months now (I haven’t gotten around to fixing the housing for the bulb :|), so there’s no instant light for me to take comfort in after waking up from a bad dream (I usually wake at around 4 in the morning when I have nightmares). I’m left in the dark with an uncomfortable imagination. I clutch any stuffed animal I can. I rely on my phone and ipod, too. 

But, lately the cellphone and ipod combo hasn’t been working, not since last Thursday. They’d work at the time of usage, but when I think it’s enough then curl back to sleep, the fear come back. It’s worse when I wake up with sleep paralysis. An effect of sleep paralysis is hallucinating that someone is in the room with you, and I get plenty of that. I always imagine the ghost girl I dream of, and that feeling of not being able to move, even when you want to move is terrible.

Now I don’t want to attribute anything to superstition or some weird explanation that I might be getting a message or something. I just needed to let out something that’s been bothering me for more than a week now.